Lately I haven't been feeling myself. It's like I'm always worried, always anxious, always THINKING SO GOSH DARN MUCH. I doubt everything. Myself, my family, my abilities, my relationship with my Steve, everything. I need to learn to relax and just let things be. Stop being so preoccupied and stop trying to validate myself in front of others. Thoughts like that will ultimately kill me.

Last night I asked Steve if he felt there was something he needs to work on, something he doesn't like about himself. He mentioned one thing but I remember him saying he didn't doubt himself. That really struck a chord because that's all I seem to be doing lately. It's like something inside me is off. I can't find peace.

The most reasonable explanation for my feeling this way is the fact that my family is going through a very tumultuous time. Everything in my life seems to be a sort of weird dream-like limbo. I guess feeling unable to control the chaos around me is leaving me to feel helpless, almost lost in a sense. But I guess this is all a giant lesson that I need to learn, to have serenity and peace among chaos and to understand that I cannot change the way people think or act. To accept that there is nothing wrong with me and that I do not need to validate myself. To love myself and believe in myself despite all things.

I just hope I can actually internalize this lesson.

P.S I need to start photographing more.

It felt so good to hold a camera again. I haven't felt that feeling in a while. I shot this of my friend Randa for my photo class. She's so beautiful.