Will I hold you again?

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

Call me crazy....

But I really,really,really want to get into the feminism business. The book I'm reading (Full Frontal Feminism) is fantastic. The author's website is amazing. I want to learn more about what I can do in this struggle that is far from over. I feel like I'm receiving so much knowledge that I don't even know what to with yet haha.

Okay, so I guess I have to put it into perspective. I have to start small, whether it be volunteering at The Woman's Center at school or blogging about these issues, or just volunteering at Rape Crises centers, or even just informing others, I need to start doing something. I want to.

Playlist for the Masses.

1. Pitseleh- Elliott Smith
2. Shape of my heart-Noah & the Whale
3. Relator-Scarlett Johansson & Pete Yorn
4. The Space Between-Dave Matthews Band
5. There goes the fear- Doves
6. Expiration Date- Pomplamoose
7. Love me-The Little Willies
8. Do you love me-Clem Snide
9. Us- Regina Spektor

I blogged a lot today...

probably because I felt very alone. I've been feeling like that a lot lately. I like quotes a lot, I've realized. Especially Albert Einstein ones...the man was not only a scientific genius, but a poet.

"The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."
— Albert Einstein

Have you ever....

heard an unknown song so beautiful but felt a slight panic at the thought that you probably never hear it again, never know what it was called...and that it will eventually leave your memory? A single fleeting second when you enjoy something beautiful that only you acknowledge?

Lately I haven't been feeling myself. It's like I'm always worried, always anxious, always THINKING SO GOSH DARN MUCH. I doubt everything. Myself, my family, my abilities, my relationship with my Steve, everything. I need to learn to relax and just let things be. Stop being so preoccupied and stop trying to validate myself in front of others. Thoughts like that will ultimately kill me.

Last night I asked Steve if he felt there was something he needs to work on, something he doesn't like about himself. He mentioned one thing but I remember him saying he didn't doubt himself. That really struck a chord because that's all I seem to be doing lately. It's like something inside me is off. I can't find peace.

The most reasonable explanation for my feeling this way is the fact that my family is going through a very tumultuous time. Everything in my life seems to be a sort of weird dream-like limbo. I guess feeling unable to control the chaos around me is leaving me to feel helpless, almost lost in a sense. But I guess this is all a giant lesson that I need to learn, to have serenity and peace among chaos and to understand that I cannot change the way people think or act. To accept that there is nothing wrong with me and that I do not need to validate myself. To love myself and believe in myself despite all things.

I just hope I can actually internalize this lesson.

P.S I need to start photographing more.

It felt so good to hold a camera again. I haven't felt that feeling in a while. I shot this of my friend Randa for my photo class. She's so beautiful.

quiet riot

Frustrated. Want to go out and take pictures. Want a nice laptop. a good camera. Not asking for much. Just to be able to actually do something with my ideas!


I need a model with a quiet sort of ferocity. a gentle beauty. Where, oh where can I find that?

Tick. Tock.Tick.

Why do I feel like i'm running out of time? Why does my mind race and i feel like time is just slipping like water through my fingers?

I'm only 19.

I'm only 19.

breathe.


There's still time to fix things. to fix myself. to figure myself out. to be truly and honestly happy.

I'm worried. I'm so terribly worried that my future will turn out exactly as I picture it if I don't do something NOW.

but where to start?

I haven't even gotten around to redecorating my room.


P.S Went to APW and listened to some amazing tunes. it was muddy but well worth it. plus I got to hold his hand.

P.S.S slept over at his house and climbed out the window in order to avoid facing his mom. Turned out she had already left by the time I jumped out. Oh, the irony.

Summahtime and the living's easy.

Went to Salem, Massachusetts yesterday with Steven, Kyle, and Emma. Kyle came and picked us up and we drove all the way there. 8 hours to and from...total torture for my legs(kyle has a two door car)

Salem is a very historically based town. Everywhere you see stores on witchcraft or some type of entertainment(anywhere from a gallery of horror cinema to haunted Frankenstein's Lab)

So we kinda took our time taking in our surroundings which was nice because we got to really take in the place(but me, being as impatient as I am, really wanted to get moving and visit as much places as possible) but I figure it was good we took our time and just wandered. Visited a place called Witches' Cottage at Griffen Theatre and Count Orlok's Horror Cinema. Ate at Victoria's Station. Took a stroll through Burying Point, a cemetery. Got caught in the rain. Had some tea at a nice little coffee shop. Very relaxing day all in all.

Kyle, Emma, Steve, and I got to bask in our new love, respectively. Kissed a lot, cuddled, snuggled. I can't describe how he makes me feel. I feel so complete when he's with me. I can't stop smiling.

So, yeah we didn't get to visit every place I would've liked to see but we got time for each other, time to reflect and enjoy each other souls.

For future reference, Salem is a quaint town full of things to visit and full of interesting tidbits but people aren't really happy it seems. Kinda gloomy dispositions all around. But whatever, it's a beautiful place and I'm glad I got to experience it.

Absence.

Lazy Sunday...finally cleaned up my mess of a room and now i'm just hanging around waiting for Steve to give me a call. He's set to come back from Panama later today
:-)

You know that quote that says "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? well, it's definitely true.

Closing Time.

"Closing Time...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

so being a hardcore 90's music fan that I am, I decided to make reference to one of the greatest songs of that era...Semisonic's "Closing Time". Seemed to fit pretty well with tonight(I close at work) and also I thought it was appropriate because of the changes this new year has brought...not only to me but to other people in my life as well.

Human nature to feel melancholic when something ends(so long as that "thing" was pleasant..but come to think of it, we tend to mourn the ending of some unpleasant things as well..go figure). We are adaptable beings, molding ourselves to our situation...almost to the point of conforming. In a sense, we are all conformists. Yes, some of us try to rebel and scream at the top of our lungs that "we are different! I will not conform!" but ultimately, we do. Whether it is sticking around in a less than thrilling job because it pays the bills or staying in a relationship because we hope that we can somehow fix it(or worse, we think that we can't do any better)

It's happened to me. If it hasn't already happened, it will happen to you. Nonconformity is not only being able to throw on some raggedy clothes(denouncing style and fashion and what is "in") or having a mohawk on your head, it's about knowing exactly when to settle and when to gracefully bow out.

It's a hard thing...in relationships, for example, one goes into it with high hopes. Everything is wonderful and new. You and your sweetheart are in a constant blissful state, problems and arguments seem so nonexistent....but one day, you wake up. Fall out of that cloud and realize that he will not always think the way you do. and vice versa. you argue, scream, and at times, insult.

But years have gone by, you've been with this person for years. You've grown accustomed to them, their scent, their laugh, their walk, even the silly way they pronounce "Mississipi". And you care. So you try and try, despite obvious signs screaming in your face that "HE IS NOT MEANT FOR YOU". You refuse to believe that this person, who you've spent more than 2 years with, is not the one meant for you.

So much time spent, so many memories, what a waste if I call it quits now, you think. The eternal optimist, you stick it out. Try to compromise and salvage this already damaged relationship... you might not even be happy but the fact that you've invested SO MUCH TIME and SO MUCH EFFORT into it makes you stick around. Deep inside you think that maybe this is how things are, that this is the best that you will ever get.Suck it up Michelle, because you may not be happy now but who knows what will happen if you leave and try and start anew with someone else? perhaps you'll be miserable with that person....so you settle. Conforming to being unhappy, staying in a relationship that has long been struck by rigor mortis.


And so...yet another conformist is created, set to join the ranks of thousands who settle when they should not. Fortunately, some of us realize that this is NOT what I want. Yes I spent time and effort and yes, I have cried(sobbed at times) countless times in order to make this work. But it did not. AND THAT IS NOT MY FAULT. So, if you are in a situation where you need OUT, whether it be a job where your boss treats you like shit or in a 5 year relationship that is CLEARLY not going anywhere anymore, gracefully(always keep your dignity) bow out. Learn from what happened and move onto the next best thing(because there is always THE NEXT BEST THING, always.) and put your heart and soul into that. Doesn't matter if you've been hurt or if you find it hard to trust, humans have been programmed to be in control of their thoughts and feelings. If an opportunity presents itself, take it.

"Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world"-Semisonic

What's in your head?

Working 12 hour shift today. Felt like listening to The Cranberries's "Zombie"....
reminded me of the little girl from Cepad in Nicaragua.

All these people spending money on frivolous things. What's worse is that I do the same. How do you stop something that you've been conditioned to?

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?

I wish...

I had a more professional sounding name... you know, like the kind of name that makes you say "damn, they sound legit". An actual photographer's name.

names that sound legit:

George Tice
Laura Taylor
Bryan Sheffield
Daley Hake
Brandon Short
Autumn De Wilde :-D
Annie Leibowitz
Greg Mortenson
Igor Termenon
David Bellemere
Tim Walker
Nick Knight
Steven Klein
David Bailey
David Sims

...and then there's

Michelle Gastulo.

I just hope whoever I marry has a pretty awesome sounding last name hehe.

Eep.

Apparently I can't manage my money well enough. I keep spending on ridiculous things that I really don't need. But I have to start spending money on what really matters. I have to prove to my parents that I can handle the responsibility of living on my own when they move down to Florida. But most importantly, I have to keep my promise to Gloria & the kids from Nica. I wonder what their life is like right now. I hope with all my heart that they're okay.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

It's raining and I wish I didn't have things to do.

Don't forget to wear sunscreen...

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…


:-D

Baby, I'm Yours

Love always remains(MGMT, hehe)

In celebration of finding love(and starting up blogging again), I'm posting the lyrics for a certain song that keeps playing over and over in my mind.

A little song by The Artic Monkeys...


Baby, I'm yours (baby, I'm yours)
And I'll be yours (yours) until the stars fall from the sky,
Yours (yours) until the rivers all run dry
In other words, until I die

Baby, I'm yours (baby, I'm yours)
And I'll be yours (yours) until the sun no longer shines,
Yours (yours) until the poets run out of rhyme
In other words, until the end of time

I'm gonna stay right here by your side,
Do my best to keep you satisfied
Nothin' in the world can drive me away
'Cause every day, you'll hear me say

Baby, I'm yours (baby, I'm yours)
And I'll be yours (yours) until two and two is three,
Yours (yours) until the mountains crumble to the sea
In other words, until eternity

Baby, I'm yours
'Til the stars fall from the sky
Baby, I'm yours
'Til the rivers all run dry
Baby, I'm yours
'Til the sun no longer shines
Baby, I'm yours
'Til the poets run out of rhyme


Steve makes my heart happy.

Of Moons, Birds, and Monsters

Blogging for the first time in ever...

Lots has happened since the last time I've written...Went to Nica, moving out soon, been working on some photography AND started dating s super uber sweet person(Steve!)

So..too much to recap but all in all, I'm in a good place. And I guess that's all that matters, right?